art by arian noveir
mixed media on watercolor paper
I wonder sometimes if they know what they say in passing is usually what cuts the deepest.
I am willing to take all of the hatred you carry, it it means getting you help. I will deal with you never trusting me again and resenting me for the rest of your life. I’d rather have that than you sinking deeper and deeper.
THAT is what true friends are for.
They’ll steal your girlfriends and marry the crap out of them!
…does not see how another could find that as an attack against one’s self. It described one’s feelings, due to one’s mind state that no one listens anymore.
Depression and Anxiety are fickle things.
Since quitting my job, I have not often thought about suicidal things….My school work has improved, and I feel that my future looks a little brighter.
But, there are those times that occur more often than I would like them too. Those thoughts that seep in my mind, clouding my thoughts. They burn through the barriers that I have put up in the recent years, oozing through the cracks. All I have to be doing is listening to a song, or read a certain line in a book, and it sets me off. One little thing that someone says, even something not intended to be mean cuts me down like a young tree.
I am still fighting the battle to go seek medical attention. I wish I did not have to resort to it. I think that is why I am still not going, besides the two facts that; one, it will crimp on my work time for school; and two, I don’t want to be a burden on my parents since I already feel like I am. A giant burden on them.
The two people that I had gone to for this kind of stuff are no longer there for me though. Two people that supported me through a lot of things.
Well, they aren’t there for me anymore. I guess its a major kick in the face to finally realize that I need to learn how to depend on myself and my own instincts and feelings. If i live I live, I die I die. I know what I have to hold dear to me now.
I am going to try to not let this get to me, even though it will slowly. More often than not, I feel like everyone has morally and supportingly deserted me one by one. Who knows. Maybe I did this to myself. If so, I don’t remember what I did. I don’t think I have any black-outs where someone else in my mind might take over. Who knows.
I don’t see any changes happening anytime soon. I have made my case. I quit my job because it conflicted with my schooling. They would not work with me for it. But above all that, it made me contemplate killing myself almost every time I set foot in the door. I literally learned how to make a noose…on YOUtube for gods sake. I practiced with some fucking yarn in my bedroom! How pathetic. I hope I will just look back at this and react to it as if I was fucking insane to act/think like this. I hope I will be able to look back on this at all!
I have to use this as an outlet. I can no longer talk about it to anyone else. I will not make what little friends I have left play two sides of the field. I will accept if everyone else will leave me and move on.
Moving on is the only choice I have left.
Moving on…or let it eat my mind alive.
~like the actors ~ eisley~