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Starting to Lose All Hope

Depression and Anxiety are fickle things.

Since quitting my job, I have not often thought about suicidal things….My school work has improved, and I feel that my future looks a little brighter.

But, there are those times that occur more often than I would like them too.  Those thoughts that seep in my mind, clouding my thoughts.  They burn through the barriers that I have put up in the recent years, oozing through the cracks.  All I have to be doing is listening to a song, or read a certain line in a book, and it sets me off.  One little thing that someone says, even something not intended to be mean cuts me down like a young tree.

I am still fighting the battle to go seek medical attention.  I wish I did not have to resort to it.  I think that is why I am still not going, besides the two facts that; one, it will crimp on my work time for school; and two, I don’t want to be a burden on my parents since I already feel like I am.  A giant burden on them.

The two people that I had gone to for this kind of stuff are no longer there for me though.  Two people that supported me through a lot of things.

Well, they aren’t there for me anymore.  I guess its a major kick in the face to finally realize that I need to learn how to depend on myself and my own instincts and feelings.  If i live I live, I die I die.  I know what I have to hold dear to me now.

I am going to try to not let this get to me, even though it will slowly.  More often than not, I feel like everyone has morally and supportingly deserted me one by one.  Who knows.  Maybe I did this to myself.  If so, I don’t remember what I did.  I don’t think I have any black-outs where someone else in my mind might take over.  Who knows. 

I don’t see any changes happening anytime soon.  I have made my case.  I quit my job because it conflicted with my schooling.  They would not work with me for it.  But above all that, it made me contemplate killing myself almost every time I set foot in the door. I literally learned how to make a noose…on YOUtube for gods sake.  I practiced with some fucking yarn in my bedroom!  How pathetic.  I hope I will just look back at this and react to it as if I was fucking insane to act/think like this.  I hope I will be able to look back on this at all! 

I have to use this as an outlet.  I can no longer talk about it to anyone else.  I will not make what little friends I have left play two sides of the field.  I will accept if everyone else will leave me and move on.

Moving on is the only choice I have left.

Moving on…or let it eat my mind alive.

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